Operation Get Lana
by Mysterious Prophetess
Summary: humor attempt One shot. Lana Bashing. Lana is transforming into a Mary Sue at a rapid pace while simultaneously stunting Clark's maturity. A warrior and two authors step forward to save realistic characters everywhere. R&R plz Flames are for camp fires.
1. Chapter 1

**MP****:** I thought my vent fic days were through with 'Power,' but I can't get more than five minutes into the new episode, Requiem, without ranting out loud, so here comes another Lana Vent/Bash fic. More Bash than Vent.

Special appearance by htbthomas.

**DISCLAIMER:** Superman and Smallville are _**not**_ mine.

**Operation Get Lana **

Lana Lang had no idea that there were people conspiring against her, at this very moment. Lana could never believe anyone would conspire against her, except for maybe Lex or Oliver Queen. Well it wasn't conspiring per say: They were planning an intervention for Clark Kent.

In a room were three forms. One was wearing a cloak; the other two were obscured in shadows.

"You sure we can get away with this?" asked one of the ones in shadow, the voice sounded like it was being distorted. Light reflected off them indicating this speaker was wearing armor.

"Maybe, we just need to kidnap her at the right time." said the cloaked one; the voice suggested it was a girl, "After the last attempts I don't know if luring her out by being a villain attack Metropolis will work. What if Clark shows up and thwarts us? I don't know about you guys but I'm fresh out of Green Kryptonite and the MSEL is fresh out with policing the Realm of Fanfiction let alone Cannonverse."

"It'll work. We'll lure Clark at one end and you'll get Lana." said the second of the two shadowed forms, the voice suggesting this was a woman.

So the apparent youngest of the group was stuck in the middle of Metropolis already looking suspicious because she refused to change out of her strange cloak. Hooded cloaks weren't exactly à la mode in the Twenty First Century.

'Now what do I do? Think MP, think!' the cloaked form thought. She saw Lana walking through the city and sighed,

"Show time." She pulled out a pencil and it looked like she scribbled in the air. Words and letters swirled around her and a futuristic weapon landed in her hands.

"Here goes nothing." she said flipping a switch on the gun. She squeezed the trigger and aimed at Lana, the blue bolts lacing through the crowds and locking onto Lana and her bio-suit, shorting it out and knocking her senseless.

"Man! I've always wanted to stun someone!" said the girl as she walked over to Lana and grabbed her. She saw people screaming.

'Great.' she thought, 'Just peachy. Five minutes into this job and I've already screwed up.' Lana shook off the stun bolt and threw MP into a building.

"Ouch!" MP said from the hole she made. The second speaker from the dark meeting place appeared. They were incased from head to toe in black armor. They were obviously masculine and his visor was a one way mirror. He pulled MP from the hole and set her down gently.

"Thanks, big guy. Get her before the Mary Sue within activates." said MP standing up trying not to cry out in pain, and failing.

Lana heard the strange girl talk and shrugged it off. The girl was obviously some villain working for Lex, otherwise she was just a villain.

"I'm going to stop you for the good of, well Good!" said Lana.

"Get her quick! she's getting redundant." said Barbara appearing.

"Where's Clark?" asked MP panicked looking around for the young Kryptonian for the first time really acknowledging the fact the armored man was there.

"I called in a favor with Jor-El." said Barbara. Lana's eyes narrowed. She landed and slipped into perfect form, rays of light beginning to form around her.

"Oh no! Her perfection is increasing!" said MP. Lana charged the armored form and he began to fight her.

"Why are you trying to hurt me! I'm saving all that's good!" she said.

"Watch out, her IQ's dropping!" said Barbara.

"She won't hurt me." the armored form.

'I need to get those powers from her.' MP thought fumbling with a device with the MSEL acronym on it; it was no good her hands were shaking. She shook her head and tossed it to Barbara. "I'd shoot her but I might hit the big guy!"

"I am Lana LANG!" Lana said throwing the armored man into a building. Her hair was getting more luxurious, her complexion more flawless. "I'm the perfect warrior for the greater good!"

"Barbara, that device." said the armored man. Barbara threw it to him and he aimed it at Lana, who used a poorly formed perfection ray to knock off his helmet. She froze. Looking at her was a man she loved. He fired it knocking her to the ground. MP and Barbara bent over her and Barbara shook her head at MP

"It's too late now. She's a Mary Sue for good." said Barbara as MP pulled out special handcuffs.

"Clark?" asked Lana in confusion. "Why? I'm your perfect other half." she said as the Smallville Clark appeared. He saw himself standing over Lana?

"What's going on here?" Clark demanded.

"Clark Kent meet Superman. Superman, thanks for helping us. The MSEL thanks you for your efforts." said Barbara.

"I couldn't let her influence ruin my younger self." said Superman.

"But I'm perfect!" cried Lana piteously. Superman sighed,

"A seer from my universe for saw horrible things for this Clark if he remained under her influence. I'll take her to the MSEL headquarters." said Superman. Clark couldn't believe his eyes or ears.

"I'm not going to let you take her!" said Clark.

"Uh, look, Lex Luthor!" said MP pointing one direction Clark looks and Superman flies away.

"What-?!" said Clark, angrily.

"See Lana clouds your judgment. I'll be if Lana told you that Lois was a threat you'd start suspecting her." said MP.

Clark looked at MP outraged,

"Lan'd have-," he began before it dawned on her, she was right.

"You've made some of your stupidest decisions because of her. You've wasted so much time pining for her. Move on. It gets better. You meet a stronger woman who doesn't need to steal a bio-weapon to feel she is equal with you. With Lana around you almost lost her." said MP.

"Her, wait, Lois?" asked Clark in shock.

"See? The Lana Drama Brain fog is lifting!" said MP. Barbara nodded.

"With her your future is bright and your love is real." said Barbara. "Come along Barb, we have some forms to fill out."

"Yes, Barbara." said MP (Barb) glumly. "Paper work: Couldn't I do some extra field work?" she muttered as the pair vanished in a whirl of letters, earning a laugh from Barbara.

**In the Mary Sue Elimination League Prison,**

It was a prison guarded by several moats filled with crocodiles and electric fences, there were also land mines imbedded in the ground at random. There was a plaque on the door with the words,

'**The MSEL extends a warm welcome to the aid of the JLA in guarding the threat to realistic characters everywhere from the increasing threats of Mary Sues and Gary Stus**.'

"LET ME GO! I'M TOO PERFECT FOR THIS PLACE! I CAN PERFECT THE WORLD!" said Lana kicking in Superman's grip. An old man reading a book was sitting by the door.

"Another one Superman?" asked the man, "This is your second one today."

"Yes, Alfred. How did you end up on guard duty again?" asked Superman confused.

"Master Bruce and Miss Prince had a date tonight and I offered to hold down this particular fort." said Alfred.

"This one's really far gone." said Superman grimly.

"No I'm perfect!" said Lana thrashing in his grip. Alfred sighed, it was always sad to see one so young go this way.

Superman opened a cell that had a group of girls sigh and call out for him. He threw Lana in and slammed it shut. Around Lana were girls of varying hair colors, many blondes, most if not all well endowed and muscular. And most weren't even trying to escape.

"Who's this?" asked one.

"I'm perfect!" said Lana like a broken record.

"No I am!"

"No I am!" soon all the girls were fighting over their perfection.

"Sorry Alfred." said Superman exiting. Alfred simply put in a pair of ear plugs to drown out the screams of the warring Mary Sues.

That was typical in this particular asylum.

**THE END**

_______________________ ________-

**MP**: Sorry if it's not as funny as the other. This is probably my last Lana Bash fic and it's my way to celebrate the fact she will never and can never show up again.

Halleluiah!


	2. MSEL Prison Duty

**MP**: I own nothing and this little sequel fic is a sequel to Operation Get Lana. This goes out to all the corrections officers out there.

**MSEL Prison Duty**

Barbara sighed as she heard the finger drumming start again.

"Will you stop that, Barb?" she asked as she looked over the recent admittance papers for the last four Mary Sue and Gary Stu detainees.

"I hate prison duty! Why can't I have taken an extra shift in field work?" whined Barb who was commonly known as MP.

"Because the other authors hate prison duty too and it's your turn." Said Barbara as MP sighed and stood up.

"I'll go walk the block to make sure the anti-Sue barrier is working." said MP. She walked around the block looking in through the observation barriers at various Sues and Stus. She saw several Sues in black beating up some of the few Stus in that cell.

'The Batman Sue/Stu cell, always interesting; especially the slash created Stus.' thought MP flatly. She walked past the Harry Potter Mary Sues and Gary Stu's trying to cast the perfect spells but always messing up. Once a week a Sue or Stu's perfection rays would fry them and the unlucky sap on prison duty had to remove the charred remains.

This week it was in the Superman cell.

'Crap.' Thought MP. They had just shoved four more Sue's in there. Three were super daughters and one was another self-insert gone wrong. The Self-insert was the one who had fried. It was these Sues or Stus who fried more often than not. She pulled out a communicator with the front desk.

"Barbara? We've got a perfect fry again." said MP.

"Very well Barb. I'll increase the anti-Sue barrier at your cell. Where are you?" asked Barbara from the communicator.

"Superman Sue cell." said MP.

"Make that triple anti-Sue." Said Barbara. "Ok, go for it but be quick."

"Ok!" said MP and she gripped the door before flinging it open and dashing inside and grabbing the charred Sue and began to drag her out.

"Let us out, we're perfect!" came the cries. MP was barely able to crawl her way out of the cell and upon exiting she realized she'd forgotten the remains of the fried Sue!

'I'd better get paid over time for this.' She thought as she dived back in. Upon exiting this time she only had an arm.

She looked in and saw the Sues were laying in wait for her next entrance.

"Barbara. We have a code 3.14159." said MP.

"Godzilla is attacking?" said Barbara.

"Sorry, code 3.14159265387." said MP.

"Oh, Mary Sue gang up preventing you from extracting burnt remains. Looks like you're going to need help." Said Barbara. At the desk there was a button labeled, 'Incase of code 3.14159265387, push me!' Barbara pushed it and the alarm klaxons blared.

Up above Earth's Atmosphere,

The Watchtower floated serenely above the Earth and all was peaceful until an alarm rang out through the station. J'onn was the first to the control room. The Martian looked at the screens and immediately summoned two more heroes; Batman and Wonder Woman.

"The MSEL requires our aide." Said J'onn. They walked over to the teleporter and arrived in the lobby to see Barbara waiting for them with the usual anti-Sue SWAT weapons. They took them off of her as she debriefed them.

"During a standard sweep of the block, Barb spotted a self combusted Sue corpse in holding cell three. She was forced to re-enter when during her scramble to extract herself from the cell, she had dropped the remains. She re-entered and exited with only part of the corpse and looked in to see the Sue's were laying in wait for her this time. To prevent another possible Mary Sue prison break, we require aide." Said Barbara.

"There was a previous breach?" asked Batman.

"It was minor one. We had a few creators come in here pretending to be the relief shift but they were really there to break their precious characters out, in complete denial that their creations were as bad as we had said." said Barbara waving it off.

"Barbara! HELP! I thought they had backed off so I went in now I'm surrounded and only by waving this corpse around can I keep them off of me long enough to speak!" screamed MP through the communicator.

It was over in a few moments. Batman took care of the Mary Sues, J'onn took care of the corpse, and, Wonder Woman took care of MP.

"Thank you!" said MP hugging Wonder Woman, "I thought I was a goner!"

"Next time, let your friend do this." said Batman before he stalked away.

"We will dispose of this." said J'onn referring to the corpse.

"Be more careful." said Wonder Woman before she too walked away. MP walked away from the block highly embarrassed and saw Barbara standing nearby.

"Sorry." said MP.

"That's ok. But you're handling the paperwork for this Code 3.14159265387." said Barbara.

"I think I'd rather be locked in with the Harry Potter Sues." said MP as she walked towards the desk.

"To think, you took working on the block over doing the booking desk!" said Barbara laughing as the younger author began to work on the pile of papers, causing her to roll her eyes.

The moral of this story is;

If given a choice on where you work on prison duty a never chose the block!

**THE END**


End file.
